f you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy was that fun.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
It may look like I’m doing nothing, but I’m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
Every rule has an exception, especially this one.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: ‘Hold my purse.
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Don’t let your mind wander, Its too little to be let out alone.
Life’s a bitch, if it were easy it’d be a slut.
I’d call you a tool, but even THEY serve a purpose.
Death is life’s way of telling you that you’ve been fired. Suicide is your way to tell life, “you can’t fire me, I Quit!”
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos.
X just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.
X believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
¡??i? ???s ??? ?? ?ooq???? ?sn pu? pu??spu?? ? op ????ui? u??
Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
oh I’m sorry! i didn’t realise you were giving me a dirty look…i just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!
wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.
X says don’t look at me in that tone of voice.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it was meant to be. If it does not, hunt it down & kill it.
Boys will be boys as long as there are no girls in the picture.
Marriage is like going to a restaurant and order your choice from the menu, And then look at neighbouring table n wish you”d ordered that.
If life gives you questions, Google gives you answers.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it pays for internet, which is pretty much the same thing.
FACEBOOK STORY: Add as friend – Approve -> Write something on wall -Intro – Everyday chatting – Ask number phone – Messaging – Calling – Meeting – Express love – Make relationship status – Hangout – Misunderstanding – Fight – Break up – Unfriend – Block !THE END
The police are on the way to arrest you for stealing my heart, hijacking my feelings, and driving me crazy.
If you are reading this, congrats you know how to read..
Facebook is like a fridge. When you’re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there’s anything good in it
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
I’m not getting older, I’m just becoming a classic..
I’m not 40, I’m eighteen with 22 years experience…
I may be old enough to know better, but I am STILL young enough to DO IT..
My life, My choices, My mistakes, My lessons, Not your business.
That awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes and you slowly put another dish in the sink.
Doctors finally figured out whats wrong with a boys brain; on the left side, there’s nothing right; and on the right side, there’s nothing left…
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
Do you know the difference between a lady and a woman? A lady does what she’s told and a woman does what she dam well pleases!
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
I`m jealous of my parents, i`ll never have a kid as cool as theirs…
Can I take your picture?? I love to collect pictures of natural disasters..
I have finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says, “for extra volume and body.”
I follow the quote, “Always be true to yourself” because I only lie to others!
Don`t you know it`s rude to talk while I`m interrupting?
I’m a smart person, I just do stupid things.
Thinks I feel great when I go to bed drunk. I wake up feeling crap. Obviously sleep is bad for you.
Some relationships are like tom and Jerry, they irritate each other, they tease each other, but they still can’t live without each other..
I am going to start cleaning my house. And by cleaning, i mean drinking beer and spraying everything with febreze.
That awkward moment when you keep talking & you don`t realize your friend walked away.
Fear can hold you prisoner, hope can set you free.
Gravitation is not responsible for falling in love
The only fence against the world is a thorough knowledge of it.
We are born with two options: to be slave or master of our destiny.
Every bad situation will have something positive, Even a stopped clock shows correct time twice a day. Think positive=SUCCESS
That’s so sweet when couples act like bestfriends and bestfriends act like couples.
If opportunity doesn’t knock build a door
Always remember you’re unique — just like everyone else.
Whatever you do, good or bad, people will always have something negative to say.
Flirting is like a game of Chess. One wrong move….and you’re married
Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.
Anyone can make you happy by doing something special but only someone special can make you happy without doing anything.
Two word’s guys hate DON’T and STOP, unless you put them together
If nobody hates you, you are doing something boring.
If you expect the world to be fair with you b’coz you are fair with them. It’s like expecting a lion not to eat you b’coz you don’t eat lion.
Laziness is the mother of all bad habbits but ultimately she is a MOTHER and we should respect her.
Love has 4 letters, but so does Hate; Friends has 7 letters, but so does Enemies; Truth has 5 letters, but so does Lying.
Don’t be ashamed to be different. Be proud that God made you like no one else.
You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.
We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.
When you feel alone, just look at the spaces between you fingers, and remember that’s where my fingers fit perfectly.
elationships do not need promises, terms, and conditions. It just needs two wonderful people one who can trust and one who can understand.
Did anyone else notice the sound if you click the like button on my status?
If you are going to speak bad things about me on my back, come to me. I’ll tell you more.
History is made by those who BREAK THE RULES.
First they ignore you then they laugh at you then they fight you then you win
The best way to predict the future is to create it
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.
If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you’ll never enjoy the sunshine.
Never leave on tomorrow, which u can do today.
Relationship is like a book, it takes few seconds to burn but years to write. So write it carefully n never let it burn.
Success is the problem but failure is the formula.. You can’t solve the problem without knowing the formula..
Many people live under the illusion that they have none.
Live now. Make now always the most precious time. Now will never come again.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? -
When I stare at the sky, I see you. When I stare out into the ocean, I see you. When I’m looking at the moon, I see you. Geez! Would you move aside, you’re constantly getting in my way! -
When someone doesn’t like something, it’s often because they’re not familiar with it, or they’re too familiar with it. -
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room
he only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff
A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died
The best way to lie is to tell the truth
You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly
A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous
The life and love we create is the life and love we live
Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies
At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet
We need not think alike to love alike.
Love is not a matter of counting the years… But making the years count
enjoy...........................{VRM}
